peace

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{peace}. I feel it when people ask: have you graduated? Are you still in school? At first when people asked I felt embarrassed like I needed to hide my answer. I felt like a failure. I mumbled: “yeah i graduated.” I mumbled another answer to defend myself: “I realized that I did not want to work at a job where I had to sit in a cold office all day and stare at a computer.” Then I realized, why am I defending myself? Even, why did I go to college just to realize that I didn’t want to sit at a desk all day? Still I feel at {peace}. I’ll just do things a little backwards. I interview at another teachers preparation program. I tell them I applied to TFA last year and I didn’t get it. {peace}. Should I feel ashamed? Should I feel embarrassed?  What if I don’t get into this program too? {peace}

I always wanted to feel at peace. I didn’t really know what that meant before because I was too busy being worried. Worried about what other people would think of me as I tried my best to please others. Worried I wouldn’t be able to pay loans off. Worried I would always be a burden to my parents. Worried that I would be labeled a failure. Worried that my friends would think I am stupid. Worried that I made all the wrong decisions and choices. Worried that I am throwing my education away. Worried what interviewers think of me. Worried that I am not “good enough” and will never be. {peace}

All I know is that I am reaching a place of contentment. I am thankful for the lessons I have learned and I am continuing to learn while working at a restaurant. God is teaching me the value of hard work, discipline, attention to details (as I try to not make mistakes), patience, humility as people look down at me and bark out orders (Jesus is this how you felt when people spat at you and yelled at you?). He is molding me to have thicker skin. I feel God’s favor and protection over me when I am at work. Someone at work even once told me: there needs to be more people in the world like you. Inside I scoff, yeah more selfish, lazy people like me, but is this not the Lord’s favor upon me? What is this favor that I am so undeserving of?

“Keep your life free from love of money, and be content with what you have, for he has said, “I will not leave you nor forsake you” So we can confidently say, 

“The Lord is my helper;
       I will not fear; 
what can man do to me?”  
                – Hebrews 13: 5-6

New beginnings

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I wanted to start this blog for a long time. I am going to feature my beautiful friends on this blog and their stories. I hope that their stories will encourage you and show you that we are struggling in different ways, but that there is always hope. I want to share my stories of growing pains, of leaving college and looking for jobs. Stories of coming home with my hands empty, frustrated, my pride hurt but realizing I can’t do anything without God. We hear many stories of people only celebrating their successes, but I want to show that we can share our disappointments too. When we give our disappointments to God, He teaches us patience and gives us peace that is far greater than anything our hearts may desire.

My personal journey is one that others may look on with pity, but I see that God doesn’t see it in that way. He has a plan the whole time and although I don’t know what it is, I know it’ll be good in the end. I am inviting you all – friends and strangers – to join me on this journey as I learn more of what it means to follow Jesus with my whole life and in the every day, nitty-grittiness of life.