Dear daughter (letter no. 4)

Remember what your mama said in a previous letter that God works together everything for our good? “And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose” (Romans 8:28). Well, mama got to experience it first hand this week. Two weeks ago, your daddy and I found out we were pregnant. We were ecstatic, already planning for you and baby to be best of friends and grow up together, only 14 months a part. But, God had different plans. I discovered blood when I went to the bathroom this Wednesday, and my heart sunk, I knew this was it, this was what I was so anxious about happening, was happening to me. We went as a whole family to the ultrasounds to check if baby was okay, mama knew she wasn’t strong enough to withstand it on her own. The last one, the ultrasound guy was apologizing for not finding anything. It was looked so empty on the big black screen, like a baby never existed. I looked over at daddy when the ultrasound guy broke the news to us, and his eyes sunk and looked defeated. I never saw your dad look so sad before. You see, both your mama and daddy were hoping a very little bit that, somehow baby Israel would still be a happy baby in the inside of mama’s womb despite all the signs of miscarriage. But baby was not able to find the right home in mama’s womb. And mama and daddy had to come to peace with that.

It felt so strange. How could I be so pregnant, one second and the next second, be not? The nausea went away, the bloating shrunk, and the bleeding stopped. I wanted to despair in that moment, and believe that God was not good and not loving. How could He allow us to hope and dream, and then take it away? But, daughter, I was reminded of previous times of darkness, when mama felt broken and frail, and doubted God’s goodness. Times, the future looked bleak and foggy. Would I trust in God’s sovereignty or would I despair and have fear? Even, when I wasn’t sure what would happened, I chose to trust in God, and He never let me down.

I was reminded of the time when mama broke up with her first boyfriend. It was a really tough time back then, even though it seems like a cakewalk compared to what I am going through now. Similarly, mama had expectations, hopes and dreams with this person that went unfulfilled. The future looked bleak and uncertain. Once, I had someone I was certain I would marry, and the next moment I was a single woman with no marital prospects. Mama never dated before, and I was sure that I would marry the first person I dated. I had fear that I would still be single in my 40’s still living at home! But, I knew that I had to trust God when He told me to let this person go, and that I had to trust Him with my future. Fast forward, one year later, I meet your daddy. I thought he looked really cute in his navy blazer and nice tan skin tone. He had a great smile and smooth voice. My heart leapt a little, the first time I met him, and then later I find out he’s the new youth pastor of the church… haha. The rest.. well you know what happens.

All goes to say, that even in that point of my life, the future didn’t look so promising, but God had a really good plan for mama. Now, I am married to a wonderful man who makes me laugh every single day, and is the best daddy to you. And, daughter I have you, my lovely daughter who I love with my whole heart. You know, even this morning before I left for work, you were sitting up in your pack n’ play, cooing and bobbing your little head. It took all my resolve to say goodbye to you, because all I wanted to do was snuggle with you for the whole day and admire your cuteness. So, my daughter, you are mama’s living evidence that all things work together for good, for those who love God and are called according to His purpose.

Love you my sweet one,

your mama

dear daughter (letter no. 3)

Today, Jesus wants to say something to your mama since I am His daughter first and foremost, before I am your mama.

Dear daughter Suhyunah,

I see your fresh hurt and pain as the news sink in your heart. I see you going on your day with bravery and courage as you fight the urge to despair and to fear the future. I see you hold the urge to google all your questions and the statistics, instead you choose to wait on me. I see all of that my daughter. Every hurt, every tear, every heartbreak. Handling today with grace and dignity, as you celebrate your coworker wife’s pregnancy news, and inside you are battling your own news. Daughter, I know this was the way you wanted your pregnancy to unfold, but daughter, I am over everything. I desire you to come to me. I desire you, Suhyunah to have intimacy with me because that is what is best for you. I have seen you, recently you have been living each day with anxiety and fear, mustering your own strength as you get up each day. I know you, daughter, have not been relying on me. But I want to prepare you for all the things I have for you daughter. All the gifts that I have for you. So do not let this determine your future. Do not let this be your downfall. Daughter, you can hold up your head high, in hope and expectation for the future. And when hard things come, I will hold your hand the whole way. Daughter, I see your worries and concerns, but your body is made perfectly and wonderfully and can hold a baby in perfect health. And yes, Suhyunah, I laugh when you ask me if Abigail will have any sibilings. Yes, she will have many but not more than you can handle. You worry your house will not be full and be empty, daughter, I see a house full of warmth, laughter, and a little bit of craziness but not more than you can handle. But, daughter, wait. Allow your body to heal. Allow your mind and your spirit to trust me in this season and not to be anxious or fright. Trust in me. I am love, Suhyunah, and I am for you and not against you.

Love,

Jesus

dear daughter (letter no. 2)

Dear daughter,

Mama has something to confess. You were not in mama’s original plan. Mama’s original plan was to be married to your daddy for a couple years before we tried for a baby. But soon after we got married, I realized that would not be the case. Two months into our marriage, I knew something in my body was off, and I bought a pregnancy test from CVS. It was one of the tests that give you two lines instead of pregnant or not pregnant. But sure enough, those pink two lines came up like a cross. Still, I wanted to be sure so I went back to CVS to buy another test that would clearly show the words. I brought your dad over so he could reveal what the test said. “What does it say?” I asked anxiously. “Yep. It says that you’re pregnant.” I was surprised and excited and scared at the same time. “We’re pregnant!” I said, excitedly.

I always thought for some reason or another that I would not be able to have a baby. You see, mama has always thought that something was wrong with her body, that her body failed her in some way or another. I started to see my body as weak and not capable as I used to get sick quite often. So after we found out, I didn’t allow myself to really be excited. I didn’t think my body would be capable of holding a baby. When, I told my closest friends, I told them, “It may not work out, so don’t keep your hopes up.” Mama was very pessimistic because I didn’t want to be disappointed if it didn’t work out. In a way, I was trying to protect myself from getting hurt.

But baby girl, mama wants you to see that this kind of thinking benefits nobody. Of course, things happen all the time in our world that we cannot predict or have control over. But, the course of action is not to always anticipate the worst and try to think of the worst outcome. It is to still have child-like faith in the midst of doubtful circumstances. It is to have our hands open wide to receive whatever God may give us – whether that is a gift or hardship. At the end of the day, we can hope and have faith because we know that “all things work together for good, for those called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28)”. Isn’t that reassuring? ALL THINGS, my daughter. Everything. God uses every single thing – our mistakes, our shortcomings, our deepest regrets and deepest hurts – to work together for our good. So we can continue to have hope, even when things in life don’t work out the way we think it should – because He is working all things together for your good, even when we can’t see it. And one day, we will see it, when we get to His Heavenly Kingdom.

Until then.

Love,

Mom

dear daughter (letter no.1)

Dear daughter,

5 precious months have passed by, and they have passed like a blur. Every day, you are growing and learning something new. I look at you my daughter, with so much pride and love. Know that you were always loved so deeply even before you were born. God created you with so much intention and care, I see it, in the way He shaped your lips to stick out like mine. The way He made you have beautiful eyes that reveal your curiosity for the world around you. Your beautiful smile and playful laugh that makes your mama’s heart melt and explode with love. You are so wonderfully made, my daughter. I hope you can see that always and never doubt that truth.

I wish at times that I could stop time so I could soak in every milestone, every smile, every month of your growth, and just so I could spend more time with you. Today, your daddy and I looked back through all our pictures, right from the moment when you were in your mama’s belly and to the moment when you were born. You were a small tiny little babe with all this cheese on you. I couldn’t stopped crying when I saw you and your daddy was crying too (but not as much). Crying tears of joy and wonder and amazement at the tiny miracle of you. 9 months of carrying you – all those months of wondering, of not trusting, of doubting, of fearing – all came into fruition in that moment when you came out. I could see with my own eyes, God was working out His marvelous plan all along through your mommy and daddy.

I imagine that, in a small way, it is a glimpse of what it will be like when we arrive in Heaven. All this waiting, pent up frustration, believing but not seeing, doubting yet still having faith – coming together as we meet Jesus face to face – and see with our own eyes, all the moments we believed and sweat over and fought for – were not in vain. I also imagine that, your mama will cry even more tears than she ever did during your birth (and that was a lot). Because we will finally meet Our Heavenly Father who is bringing us home.

Love,

Mom

living

I felt our baby kick for the first time on January 19th. I was about to go to sleep when I felt what seemed like bubbles in my lower belly. I knew this was not gas bubbles, but it was baby girl. I bolted out of bed, in excitement, to go tell Isaac who was still in the study room. “I felt our baby move.” We both rushed back to the bedroom so he could see if he could feel the baby move as well. He did. We smiled at each other, happy that our baby girl was doing well.

Entering my third trimester, I am more aware of baby girl growing inside of me. Her presence made known through little kicks, flutters, bubbles throughout the day. At random parts of the day, I will feel her unexpectedly, reminding me that life is growing inside of me, that I am going to become a mom. Some part of me still fears that I will not become a mom, but this other part of me, trusts that God has set this time aside for Isaac and I to become parents. Why, right now? Why, this time? I am not really sure. But, I trust that I will find out as time goes on.

This pregnancy went by in a blur, but I see how God has been so so faithful. Even though, I have been full of complaints and doubts, God has still made Himself known to me. Even though, I look back at the time of my early pregnancy with shame, thoughts of why couldn’t I have trusted God sooner? why couldn’t I have clung onto God? I know all of that is forgiven too. As I enter into my last trimester of pregnancy, I want this time to be different. If I was drinking milk before, I hope that I can digest solid food now. I long for a deeper intimacy with Christ. I want to trust Him. I want to know Him.

As I have been going through the Book of James, I am seeing and learning new things that I didn’t know before. My habits of reading the Bible so quickly or looking for a “quick fix” have not allowed me to really know the Word. Even though, I have only studied chapter 1 of James, I have learned so much. I thought I knew this book before, but now I see that there is so much to learn and soak in.

Things I have learned so far:

• Praying to be single-minded person, not a double minded person. Trusting God with all my heart, not like those who ask and doubt like one who is tossed by the waves.
• Asking God for wisdom versus knowledge. Ask God for wisdom! He gives it without reproach.
• Don’t be surprised by trials in your life. Trials will shape us, mold us, and mature us so that we will be ready to meet Jesus.
• All temptations began with our eyes. Make a covenant with your eyes.
• God is the Father of Lights –> lights illuminate and allow us to see clearly without any shadows, He illuminates the truth.
• Every good and perfect gift is from God.

Thank you God for giving us your Word. Thank you God that you speak to us through your Word. Thank you for loving us.

it’s a girl

12-19-20

The day when anything seemed possible, when dreams came true, and the longings of our heart became true. I remember popping the huge black balloon with anticipation, would we see pink or blue? Already in my heart, I resigned to the fact that we would be having a baby boy. I don’t think I allowed myself to consider the chance that we may be having a baby girl. Maybe, because I was scared of disappointment. Maybe, because everyone around me told me the predictable thing would be for me to have a baby boy. I was used to being disappointed. Crying when I found out my baby brother would be a boy, not a little sister as I had hoped.

I remember, everyone counting down, 1,2,3 and I popped the balloon. I look up and what do I see… beautiful pink, white and gold confetti bursting in the sky. Was this a dream? It sure felt like it. Unexpected. A surprise. “It’s a girl,” I started shouting. Isaac was confused. “I see both,” he was saying (the white confetti looked light blue to him in the sun). “It’s a girl, it’s a girl!” I told him. “It’s a girl?” He said in disbelief. We both looked at each other with eyes widened from surprise. We were so certain it would be a baby boy. It reminded me that it’s okay to hope for things you aren’t sure will come true. It reminded me not to have a pessimistic or resigned attitude because God will continually surprise us even through life’s disappointments. It gave me childlike joy to find out our baby would be a girl. What a beautiful gift. I was so glad that we were able to share this moment with our community.

Thankful that my heart is growing in excitement and in anticipation to meet our baby. Much of my anger and resentment has subsided. Now, I eagerly research baby items, put together a baby registry, and I am reading a baby book. My hardened heart is being softened by God, by community, and by the unexpected. Yes, it will be so so hard. It will be so so challenging. It will stretch me and my husband in ways we don’t even know. It will stretch our marriage. But, I am so excited because this baby is a gift from the Lord. The gender reveal party reminded me that, that my resigned attitude and expecting to be disappointed wasn’t protecting myself, it was preventing me from having joy. In this way, God melted my heart. A reminder that, one day God will take us home and our deepest longings will be filled by Him.

beautiful

I wake up from my Saturday afternoon nap and a deep sadness quickly washes over me. I am reminded again of the reality of my mom and my brother. My momma, who is not really present these days. She is in her own world, lost in the darkness and depths of depression. It is hard to imagine that less than two months ago, she happily came over to my apartment to bring me food and help me organize my fridge. And my little brother who just got out of the emergency room a few days ago. I cry easily these days. I cry while talking to my younger brother. I cry when I hear a song. I cry when I am talking with my husband.

My eyes feel like they well up with tears so easily these days. I see and feel the sadness of people around me. Through my friends who are suffering. Through the Facebook post of those who mourn the lost of their dad, the passing years not making it any easier. Through the hardship of my family. My dad, who tears up as he says he felt so lost when he woke up this past Wednesday to my brother who was in excruciating pain that was not getting better. Was God listening to his prayers? he wondered. That morning, when my dad took my brother, Jeemin to the general practitioner, she saw his situation was worsening, so she urgently called Jeemin’s GI doctor who connected him to the ER so he could get quicker treatment. Suddenly, he was at the ER, scheduled to get surgery for his hemorrhoids that were not healing. Thankfully, he didn’t have to get surgery, his surgeon saw on his CAT scans that his body was healing itself. After receiving a colonoscopy that confirmed he had Crohn’s and a MRI that showed he had a fissula (abnormal tunnel), he got to come home the next day. It was a really good thing, he got the treatment he needed, quickly, and he was not in excruciating pain any more.

But, I was so heartbroken to see a picture of my little brother on a hospital bed. I knew he was in pain, but I didn’t know the depth of his situation. I was angry with God that my younger brother had to suffer with ongoing GI problems in the last two-and-a-half years which seemed to have reached its peak. It seemed unfair when I ran into a picture of a friend of a friend who was drinking beer with her younger brother and younger sister on Thanksgiving, no worry or concern in the world. Why couldn’t my brother have a normal college experience? Why did he have to go through so much pain at a young age? Why my little brother?

I told Jeemin how I felt, and we both started tearing up. Jeemin was sharing how God comforted him the past few days. He was telling me what he was learning in Isaiah, and reading in Knowing God by J.I. Packer. I see that Jeeminah is becoming more beautiful in God’s sight. Though, I don’t understand everything that God loves Jeemin more than I ever can. So I will choose to trust in you, God.

thankful

Thankful for a God who sees me, a friend who encouraged me right when I needed it, for the sunny color yellow that is bound to bring a smile to everyone’s face.

Thankful.

pregnant diary #1

In my mind, I had an idealized picture of what pregnancy would look like. I always thought that pregnant women were all beautiful and radiant. They looked free and comfortable while embracing their belly (no more worries about a pooch). I was excited to be pregnant, thinking of all the ways pregnant women have it good.

While some of my idealisms pre-pregnancy have come true, i.e, people have been generally nicer and more accommodating (no standing in lines at Trader Joe’s..woohoo). Pregnancy has been isolating at times, exhausting, and generally not really feeling like myself. Most days, I feel like a big blob, trying to get by each day and lugging my body around (and I’m not even that big yet)!

I bought into the pretty pictures of pregnant ladies, all glammed up with their cute maternity clothes, adorning their cute bellies. I wanted to be like them, confident, beautiful, happy, and excited. Pregnancy? How hard could it be? I thought.

Now that I know the realities of pregnancy. I secretly envy women who are older and more prepared to have a baby. Couples who have been married for two to three years before having their first one. At the same time, I envy young mom’s who already have two kids. I envy single women who are free of any responsibilities or obligations.

Do you see where this is going? My envy and comparison has no end. It is a bottomless pit of dissatisfaction, weaving into a thousand of lies that come together that will eventually choke me if I do not stop.

I always envied people. Growing up, it was smart people. Later, it was beautiful people. Then, healthy people. These days? It runs the gamut.

It’s the lie, this lie that will eat me up, if I am not careful.

I’ve been reading John Mark Comer’s book “The Ruthless Elimination of Hurry” and he mentions this quote:

 “So much of our unhappiness comes from comparing our lives, our friendships, our loves, our commitments, our duties, our bodies and our sexuality to some idealized and non-Christian vision of things which falsely assures us that there is a heaven on earth. When that happens, and it does, our tensions begin to drive us mad, in this case, to a cancerous restlessness.” – Ron Rolheiser

Reading the quote, it clicked with me. Whatever season I am in, pregnant, or not-pregnant, newly-married or seasonly- married, in pain or not in pain, I can be content. I can find contentment in my every day life – trying to wake up each morning though my body tries to resist me, trying my best to teach students over zoom as I repeat my directions a million times to the point my lips are chapped and my mouth is dry, trying to love my husband and love him well even though I can’t serve him as much, trying to not look at FaceBook so many times and instead find restfulness in my own life.

I do find myself, much more content when I am not sneaking looks on Facebook or looking at Instagrams of people I don’t even know, when I slow down and take a deep breath and talk to God.

I’m still in disbelief sometimes that I’m pregnant, that I may be a mom in the near future, that my life will drastically change in a handful of months, that my body will expand and change and never be the same.

I try not to think about whether there will be enough – will there be enough energy to love a child, to love my husband, to love my students? will there be enough money to take care of our baby, pay for my husband’s school, and my loans? will I be enough? the loving mom who graciously loves her child and introduces him or her to Jesus the way my dad did?

But Jesus is enough. He always has been and always will be. He rests all my worries and comparisons with His gentle love. He says:

Come, child, come and taste my yoke that is easy and light. Come, come my child, and rest with me. Drink from my everlasting well of life and you will never thirst again. Daughter, this baby is my gift to you. In many ways, this baby will help you, help you place your priorities on things that really matter, and you will find so much joy. Daughter, you are just where you need to be. I see your weariness, your tiredness, all the expectations. You don’t have to meet any of them. All you need, daughter is me. All you need is me.

my miracle. thank you Jesus.

love

Love is your husband running to the bathroom when he hears you puking to hold your hair and pat your back

Love is your husband running to cvs and Starbucks to get your meds and favorite drink

Love is your husband opening the window to your room so you can enjoy the nice cool air

Love is your husband doing all the dishes without any complaints or a word

Love is your husband who busts out in a dance to make you laugh

Love is realizing in this season where I feel helpless and sick all the time, that God loves me like really loves me and accepts me

Love is replacing my shame and pressure and guilt of not being the Christian I portray to others and reassuring me of His love for me that overcomes every tear, every pain, every heartache, every groaning and every longing for more

Dear God,

I am sorry for my ungrateful heart, all my complaints, all the thoughts I have had longing to be someone else or in a different season of my life. Lord, you have given me what I have right now, and it is such a blessing. Thank you Lord. Though the pain is sometimes hard and feels unbearable, thank you for a husband who makes me ginger tea, juuk, miyeokguk, and willing to drop everything to get whatever I want. Thank you for a husband who makes me laugh and smile even in pain. Thank you for a husband who holds my hair as I puke and always comes at the perfect time to help me. Thank you Lord for a job that is allowing me for the time being (who knows how long) work at home. Lord, I pray that either the form gets approved to stay at home indefinitely or I will feel better to go to work. Lord, I pray that you will give my husband strength and greater capacity to be a student, pastor, husband and hopefully future father. Lord, may you give him everything he needs to live out his days in diligence and great joy, may his days be in worship to you. Lord, he is a great gift to me, thank you for him. Jesus, I pray that you may give me endurance to endure through this pain and be thankful. Lord, teach me to be faithful to you even in pain and nausea. Show me to lean on you every second, every moment, and every day. Lord, show me how great your love is that I am overtaken by your love. I pray I will be able to concentrate on your word despite the pain, and I will have a greater intimacy with you in this season and the coming season. Jesus, watch over this baby, protect your child. May he or she grow well in my womb. Lord, may you provide the baby with everything he or she needs. Heavenly Father, by your grace, may I be counted faithful in your eyes.

Amen.